I Hear It Is All You Need

Love

Love is dynamic, it begins, changes, evolves, and grows. Love can even be lost. The love of a newly married couple is so different than the love shared between two people who have been married for 50 years. So also our relationship with the Source of Love, Love Itself, God, too changes. In a relationship we cannot constantly need the other person to confirm the fact that they love us. It would be painful and frustrating if the one you love asked you every hour, "do you love me?" This would be frustrating because it is clear that they do not trust that you love them. They do not have faith in your love. A couple married for 20 years does not need to hear, "I love you" nearly as often as a young couple, they know it. It is important to express it but they don't need it, the fact that they are loved by another has been carved into their bones. God too seems to step back at times and give us an opportunity to know we are loved by Him not by what He gives or how He makes us feel but simply because we trust that He loves us. It is an opportunity to prove that we trust in His love and a time to love God for more than just what He does for us. This is spiritual dryness. Not to be mistaken with spiritual disconnect. Many people do not feel God because they do not use their free will to seek Him. They are without some forms of grace because they have not committed the faith of their soul to connection with the Divine. I think even some believers experience this disconnect due to a silent rejection to go deeper into a relationship with God. Some people are distant from God simply because they have not tried to be closer.

I see God all around me. I have seen miraculous things and I believe and am honored that The Holy Spirit has moved through me while in dryness. But inside of me nothing moves and the desert is cold. I really believe that I have failed my Lover in many ways during my dry period. I have not been as confident in God's love as I should be. I have not known deep down that I am loved, daily. I have thought that if God was not going to fill me with warm feelings then I must be doing something wrong. I know in my heart these are lies but I have failed at receiving silent love. This is a strange problem many people have, they are bad at receiving love. Usually this is because they do not believed they are worthy of love. I do not really have this problem in general but with God I have not let Him provide and love me recently. I think I have become so convinced I was being punished that I thought I deserved more time in the corner or I wanted to prove that I could handle it. All of this is very subconscious and I am realizing it only now as I type. Which is a bit awkward. I have known how to act in dryness, we almost always know the right thing to do in life, it is the application of what is right that transforms us into saints.

God provides in so many ways beyond good feelings. All good things, everything good, goes through God and He provides abundantly for His children. I have thought recently though, if He is not going to clearly express His love then He probably is not going to provide for me. This has blinded me from so many great things that have happened recently and kept me from being able to be thankful because I wasn't willing to accept that I was receiving anything to be thankful for. Fr. Jake Foglio taught me 'abbondanza' it is Italian for abundance. God, Jake explained, longs to provide abundantly for every single soul. I think I have heard God saying, "let Me provide, let Me in, let Me give, let Me love." I have been torn between not believing these words and resenting God for the dryness and other mysteries we face. Also, I think I have had some doubt recently but have not been honest with myself about it. I was sitting in weekday mass one night and thought to myself, "I know I should be here but do I want to be here?" I have known God with my head recently but not with my heart. I have prayed out of obedience and routine instead of love, trust, and passion. On paper I know a bit about Catholic theology and I am going very soon to pursue finding out more at Notre Dame. None of the things I know however, mean anything if I do not believe in the unending, unconditional, pure, merciful, free, perfect love of God. It is a love I cannot lose, that you cannot lose. God doesn't want us to be guilty about our imperfections. He wants us to be motivated to be better and to always be dependent on His love. I want to do better. I will do better. God is all goodness, Jesus is God, the Holy Spirit is a beautiful, powerful force and I am glad I have had this time to recommit to each of them. I hope that the peace of The Christ is with everyone (all three people) that reads this and that today we will all CHOOSE to dive deeper into the endless ocean of the grace and love of God.